Sometimes I think about what a crazy bit of chance it is that I’m the mom of seven-month-old twins. I think about big and small decisions I have made (or have been made for me), and wonder about the butterfly effect they had to get me to this point. What if I had decided to go to graduate school in Washington, DC instead of Boston? I would never have met M. What if we hadn’t decided to buy our house when we did, stayed in the apartment, and delayed trying to get pregnant?
The one I’ve been thinking about this week has to do with my other pregnancies. If the first one had stuck, I’d be talking about planning my child’s first birthday party (my due date would have been March 23, 2007). But only four days after the positive pregnancy test, it was over. I was bummed, but not devastated. I had hardly believed I was pregnant in the first place, so I didn’t get too attached to the idea.
If my second pregnancy had worked out, I’d have an almost-10-month-old (EDD 5/24/07). We called it Kermit. Saw the heartbeat on ultrasound not once, but twice! Everything I read said, “don’t worry! Once you see the heartbeat, your risk of miscarriage goes down to 5%!” Ten days later, I started bleeding, and there was no mistaking the absent heartbeat on the ultrasound. I was so sad. I had to un-tell my family, and go to the hospital for the D&C. Not good times.
But this post isn’t about sadness or loss. It’s about the fact that this was somehow meant to be. Sure, if either of those pregnancies had worked out, I wouldn’t have had to be sad about losing them. I wouldn’t have had to un-share the news with my previously overjoyed parents. I might not have had to insist on bi-weekly ultrasounds during the first trimester of my next pregnancy, just so I could keep what little remained of my sanity. I wouldn’t have had to be hugely pregnant in the middle of a hot summer. I might have found a way to go back to work part-time, and I would not have had to figure out a way to cram two cribs into one room. But I wouldn’t have had twins.
Even on the terrible, awful, no-good, very-bad days, I adore my two-at-a-time kids, and wouldn’t trade them for all the world. I dream about how much easier some a lot of things would be if I had a singleton, for sure. But if I hadn’t had twins, I actually don’t think I would have the same support system that I now do (thank you, MOT club and fellow twin bloggers). Moms of multiples are a tight bunch, and we look out for one another. Without twins, I don’t think I would be as laid-back as I am (more time to freak out over one baby), and I wonder if I would actually feel somewhat less confident as a parent (helps to have the constant side-by-side comparison of two babies in the same environment, doing different things). I wouldn’t be a proud member of the secret society of twin moms.
While there’s nothing especially productive about wondering what my life would have been like if I had decided to go into marital/family therapy instead of school counseling, or even if we’d had sex on this day instead of that day last December ( 
), I still think about it. 
Mostly in wonderment about how the accumulation of large and small decisions, seemingly unrelated, can bring you to a particular point. That going through a loss can not only make you stronger (and more paranoid), but can result in an even bigger change in your life. Who knows, maybe I was destined to become a twin mom, regardless of where I lived or what college I chose. But it’s still amazing to me, sometimes, that I’ve ended up right here. Right were I’m supposed to be.
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10 responses so far ↓
1 babyamore // Mar 17, 2008 at 7:23 am
Very interesting post – I feel a lot like you – what if … if my daughter didn’t die I would have a three and half year old and I probably would not have ventured down the IVF path – just counted her as my miracle.Well she still and is but albeit differently.
I think too I am right where I am supposed to be and my life path has altered dramatically since my twin boys were born 20 months ago.Life rawks with twins who rule !
2 Rebecca // Mar 17, 2008 at 8:05 am
Ah, the what-if game. Guarenteed to drive me a little nuts, if I think of it. You’re right, though….after I had them, for the first time I wouldn’t undo two years of infertility, even if I could. What could be more fun (more work?) than two little muchkins running around? And, really, how boring would life be…..
3 Cynthia // Mar 17, 2008 at 9:33 am
I am tearing up a little reading your post. I often have similar “what if” thoughts. But the main one is how close we came to giving up and calling it quits after one child. We got pregnant (literally) on the first try with our first child, so we expected it to be that easy the next time. But it wasn’t. And since she was born prematurely (and I am WAY superstitious) I was thinking maybe we were being given a sign: that we should just walk away with our one miracle and be happy with that blessing. We decided to give it until the end of the year (2006) and it happened the last week in November. Found out we were pregnant in early December and found out 12/27, as if being rewarded for sticking it out, that we were given two babies instead of one. I am so glad we didn’t give up!!
4 Sally // Mar 17, 2008 at 2:08 pm
Your story is awesome. I feel the exact same way! We miscarried our first and then had two boys less then 2 years apart. My fourth pregnancy was my twins! I always think back to how awful I felt after the first loss and if I only I knew then what I know now and it all happened for a reason. And that was to have the miracle of twins. I truly think (especially on those not so fun really awful days) that we are specially chosen to be a mother of twins. My twin boy/girl are only 4 months old but not a day goes by that I don’t think how truly blessed I am.
5 Mariah // Mar 17, 2008 at 3:30 pm
This post really hit home. We are in the midst of selling our condo and everyday when I’m annoyed that we’ve only been here two years and now have to sell, I look at my two precious angels and am reminded that everything happens for a reason and if we’d never bought this place we’d never have had these girls. I wouldn’t change a thing!!
6 CarrieinAK // Mar 17, 2008 at 3:59 pm
Just one look at that picture of you and your little bundles…you ARE right where you are supposed to be!
7 Jeanne // Mar 17, 2008 at 9:44 pm
awesome post! couldn’t have said it better myself. Even on the worst days, they are the best!
8 Cathy // Mar 18, 2008 at 11:49 am
I think that there is a reason why things happen to us..now, that I have my 5 month-old b/g twins, I am sure of it. There was a reason why my husband and I went through 4 years of infertility treatments. It made us stronger, and has definately made us appreciate the babies so much more….
9 Jennifer // Mar 18, 2008 at 12:06 pm
I completely relate. We lost our first pregnancy after seeing the heartbeat on ultrasound and were completely devestated. The hardest part was telling our family and thinking about the future our little one would have had. We then got pregnant with twin boys and I didn’t write anything down because I wasn’t convinced we would actually see our babies. In April of 2005 we had two very healthy boys and our life was definitely changed forever! This past October we also welcomed twin girls (both pregnancies came about naturally) into our family which has made a crazy house even more so! I just pray to get everyone through the day in one piece!!
10 Kathy // Mar 20, 2008 at 9:18 am
Amen, sister! My DH likes to say if he has any regrets it is not meeting me sooner in life. I married at 38 and found out I was pregnant 5 days before my 40th birthday. When we were planning our future life, I remember telling Scott that we would “have the twins by then”. I always wanted twins (my aunt and uncle are twins) and view our fertility ‘help’ as just the way God satisfied my prayers. Everything might not happen for a reason but in the end it is as it should be.
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