Our most independent, most spirited twin has taken to wanting ME to do EVERYTHING when an adult is needed. Except that I work full-time. And well, having another child who wants me sometimes, too.

For ever and ever, my partner and I have alternated children for bedtime routine (they sleep in separate rooms). But now Clingy Clingerton wants me every.single.night. To the extent that Clingy will cry and scream as if being mauled. Culminating with vomit that requires sheet and pajama changes. Smart kid, eh?

My partner’s feelings are hurt.

Clingy’s twin says “it’s my turn now, Mommy”.

It used to be that we could read a book or two, say prayers, kiss Clingy on the forehead goodnight, and walk out. Now, it’s all “I lay by you, Mommy”, through tears if you so much as lift your head off the pillow. And don’t even think about leaving the bed before Clingerton is fast asleep. And so what, right? It’s maybe 10-20 minutes next to a miracle and it feels safe to the kiddo and I’m not in a rush to go cook dinner.

But still.

I’m told that it’s just a phase and to enjoy being “needed” because soon enough they’ll not want me at all. Maybe. But it sure makes getting anything else done difficult. And my other kid sure is missing Mommy time.

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Rachel re-invents the rearing-a-toddler wheel over at Motherhood.Squared .

And they totally feed off one another. It used to be that if one was being a bit naughty, the other one was a perfect angel. But those days are gone. Why would anyone want to quietly read books when instead you could join your sister/brother in overturning a book bin and then use it to stand on to reach the light switch and flick the lights off and on a thousand times?

I’m attempting to seek help within the pages of 1-2-3 Magic and How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids will Talk, but so far, acquiring the books is as far as I’ve gotten. I realize that impulse control will not be setting in anytime soon, so I just need some more tips regarding what a parent can do when toddler misbehavior is on the rise. I’ve already removed certain items not suitable for toddler hands, talked about (and modeled) appropriate uses for the furniture, used natural consequences when possible, and done my best to redirect my kids to more appropriate activities. Perhaps we’re just into the new reality of life with two two-year-olds have have to ride through this phase until the next one comes.

(I don’t totally understand how their errors are age-appropriate but they still qualify for therapy, but I’m happy.)

Speech issues aside, my P has demonstrated significant growth recently. Since babyhood, he has been terrified of dogs. I don’t know why — he’s never had a traumatic encounter with a dog — but from the time he could walk, even a small dog resting quietly 50 feet away could reduce P to a screeching monkey, howling in fear and climbing my body like a tree.

This has made things like parades, trips to the park, walks in the neighborhood, and even playing in the yard, challenging and emotionally fraught.

We live two houses down from an enormous Irish Wolfhound mix named Max. He’s very calm and loves children, and his owner is patient when the children want to pet him for a long time. P has gradually worked up the nerve to pet Max, and now he stands there stroking Max’s giant head with this peaceful, dreamy look on his face, for as long as we let him.

Also, P has always been uncomfortable with the sensation of being lifted, and with the weightless, falling feeling you get in an elevator or on a ferris wheel, or when swinging on a swing. He’s afraid. He asks not to be pushed very high on the swing set, clings to us in elevators, and cried on a kiddie ferris wheel last summer until the operator stopped it. But several weeks ago, when a teenaged cousin offered him a piggy-back ride, he accepted. And when the cousin lifted P onto his shoulders, I started to rush to P’s rescue as his face blanched and his cheeks turned splotchy. But even as I started to say, “Wait! He’s afraid of…,” a brave little smile emerged. I watched in shock as my sweet boy held on tighter for two trips around the house, smiling the whole way.

He is opening like a flower, and I’m so lucky to sit back and watch him bloom.

Jen is a work-from-home mom of twins + 2. She also blogs at Diagnosis: Urine.

Perhaps it’s not that big of a deal. Perhaps this is a phase, and not a battle I need to have. But I really want Tiny to understand that things don’t have to be exactly the same for them. That there are times when their needs may be different and times when I’ll want to have individual special moments with each of them.

Is/has anyone else dealt with this sort of situation? Is this desire to keep things equal a multiples thing or do singleton siblings go through this as well (asks the one who grew up as an only child)?

I don’t run some kind of courtesy boot-camp at my house. I don’t believe children should be seen and not heard (OK, sometimes I’d like to believe that).  My kids can be demanding and whiny, just like any almost-three-year-olds. They (and I, for sure) are far from perfect. But I will admit that it makes this mama’s heart swell with pride when they spontaneously say “please” and “thank you” to me, to each other, and to anyone else.

Laugh all you want, but I insisted on that “please” even back in the sign language days.  As soon as I knew they were getting the hang of communicating via sign language, I would ask them to sign “more please” when they wanted a snack.  Once they had that pairing down, I added “thank you,” as Daniel demonstrates here (post-graham-cracker) at 18 months:

Today, obviously, I insist that the “please” and “thank you” be spoken out loud, and they actually get upset if someone doesn’t respond with “you’re welcome.”  I try to be a stickler for “no thank you” instead of just “no.”  And my husband and I do our best to model the behavior and praise it when we see it. I do have to remind them, a lot.  But it’s paying off. It’s gotten to the point that, at some meals, my kids will say “thank you mommy for the ___” for each item on their plate at dinner (even if they then have zero interest in trying a single bite), almost to the point of competition: which kid can say thank you for the greatest number of food groups.

But I guess this didn’t strike me as particularly out of the ordinary until I heard someone with similar-aged kids to my own ask when was a good time to start teaching their toddlers some manners.  Um, clearly earlier than now, if you ask me!

I get that toddlers are notorious for having poor impulse control, for whining, and for demanding, self-centered behavior. But just because it’s “normal” doesn’t mean we have to roll over and make it seem acceptable.  I’m a fan of picking one’s battles, for sure.  But this is one, for me, that’s worth fighting.  Just like anything else in raising kids, it’s all a lot easier when you set up the expectations as young as possible.  Preventing bratty behavior is way easier than correcting it.

What do you think, mamas? Have you insisted on manners from the start? Do you think it’s entirely too much to ask for at a young age? Am I just charmingly old-fashioned? How’s the war on courtesy in your house?

I don’t know if it’s because she’s a girl, or because she’s “baby A”, or because this is just who she is, but Tiny is definitely the alpha twin in our house. She commands her brother, Buba, to do things (Buba, come!), to get things (Go get monkey!), and to give up things (I need to have baby now!). And most of the time, her requests are granted.

There’s a part of me that likes how assertive and strong-willed Tiny is, as I was quite mousy as a child. However, at the same time, I don’t like to see Buba getting pushed around all the time. My husband and I have tried to get Tiny to be less demanding, and at the same time, get Buba to be more assertive, but it’s not working all that well. For example, if Tiny takes a toy that Buba is playing with, we’ll make her give it back. But often, Buba won’t take it back, and if he does, he’ll only play with it a few more seconds before dropping it and moving on to something else.

We’ve also tried coaching Buba through some of these situations. Like the times when Tiny will grab him by the arm and demand that he follow her somewhere. We’ll say to him, “Tell her no. Tell her you want to keep playing with [whatever he happens to be playing with].” But 9 times out of 10, he just abandons his own activity and goes wherever she takes him.

Sometimes, I wish they were a bit older so I could ask Buba how he really feels about all this. I’ve noticed within the last month or so, that he really seems to want more time to himself. But at the same time, he hates to see Tiny upset. And I wonder if, at 2 years old, he’s already decided that he’d rather comply with her requests than see her unhappy.

Leave it alone? Keep trying to intervene? What would you/do you do when this happens in your house?

The moms of older kids are just shaking their heads and chuckling at me right now, and that’s just fine. We all come to these realizations in our own time.

While you can argue about “readiness” for the other big transitions of the first few years (sleeping through the night, letting go of bottles or pacifiers, etc.), I have found that most of them you can kind of muscle your way through.  Choose your approach, implement it consistently, and grit your teeth for the three or four days it takes to make the transition.  A friend of mine has a theory that nearly everything with babies and kids takes about three to four days to settle in, so you have to give it that long.

Potty training is an entirely different beast.  Maybe it’s because they’re older and more manipulative smarter.  Maybe it’s because, instead of “removing” something, you’re asking them to actively “do” something.  Maybe it’s the perfect storm of development and control.  But try as I might, it simply is not something you can just hunker down and get through in a couple of days.

Of course, even that isn’t entirely true.  Never was there a situation that was more child-specific.  My daughter actually took to potty training rather well.  The first week or two felt long, but the truth is that she took to it quickly, and has stayed shockingly consistent.  Barely two months later and she is, knock on wood, even Pull-Up free at night and nap.  That’s just her thing.

Her brother, on the other hand… well.  He seemed to take to it well the first week.  And then the second week arrived and, pardon the expression, it was an absolute shitstorm of constant accidents.  He’d have a success or two in the morning, and then straight downhill for the rest of the day.  After a looong week and a half of constant accidents (on his part) and a complete emotional breakdown (on my part), I put him back in Pull-Ups, full-time.  Since then, he has absolute negative interest in the potty.  He has used it here and there, but mostly wants nothing to do with it.  And he’s in such an intensely controlling, contrary, stubborn phase right now, I’m simply stepping away and not turning it into a massive power struggle.

You just never know what you’re going to get when it comes to potty training.  You could have the kid who can hold it for hours on end, or the one who has to sprint to the bathroom every 45 minutes.  You could have the one who’s afraid of pooping, or the one who will happily sit on the pot anywhere and everywhere.

And you’ll never know until you try.

So, you parents of potty trainees, how have your kids varied in their potty hang-ups? What were their struggles and successes?  Did you find a particular approach worked wonders on one child and was a disaster with the other?

We’re quickly approaching 19 months where the boundaries are getting pushed and tested.  Which is of course natural, but good heavens- I’m tired!  It also means I am no longer parenting to the extent of ONLY taking care of and loving my children, I now… also have to set boundaries.  Teach them right from wrong.  Provide consequences when needed.  But they’re only 18 1/2 months old- what do they fully comprehend?  It’s hard!  Just as our kids change with age, our parenting must change.  And as you all know, multiples can certainly be partners in crime!

It’s a challenging age, but I LOVE watching their little minds soak in everything around them- learning new words and new skills every single day.   MoM to toddlers… How do you do it??!

I’m sure we’ve all gotten variations of the question. “Who is more outgoing?” “Is one good and one bad?” “What are their personalities like?”

Once someone asked me which one was my favorite.

I don’t mind the questions, especially the “rude” ones, because usually I can joke about it and I’m so excited for adult interaction. But the sincere questions from friends and distant family, asking us to name the differences between the twins, are hard for me because I don’t know the answer.

The truth is, they feel different to me. I sense them differently. Their presence in a room, their weight, their faces, their hands in mine feel different. They smell different. They are my babies and I know them, but it isn’t something I can explain to another person so he or she can see it.

When they were infants I had a sense that G was angry, and P was sad. As they got older, G was more adventuresome and P was more timid. G would wander off to play on a structure across the park, and P would cling to my hand. At swimming lessons G participated, and tried to coax P into the water. P laid on the deck at my feet and cried until it was time to go home.

But they switch. Now it is P who will venture off to something new, and G who clings to us. They take turns leading each other.

Do you struggle to explain your multiples’ personalities when asked these sorts of questions? Or have your kids had consistently different personality types since birth?

Jen is a work-from-home mom of twins + 2. She also blogs at Diagnosis: Urine.

P and G, September 2004

When I was pregnant with my twins, I remember reading something that warned parents of multiples against thinking their babies needed them any less because of having been born a multiple. I was bummed when I read that.

We did our best to parent our twins as we had our oldest. I nursed them, they were fed on demand, we co-slept, we tried to hold them when they cried. 

Their first few words were Mama, Dada, ball, and baby. The twin who woke first from a nap tried to rouse his brother, calling, “Bebeh! Bebeh!” They summoned each other this way to examine new toys or things they shouldn’t get into. When G had croup and I took him to the ER, he saw his reflection in a window and thought it was his brother. He got excited and started calling out to him — “BEBEH!!!” They started calling each other by name when their little sister was born.

Sometimes when one gets in trouble, he’ll sit in time out crying for his brother. The other day, I scolded G for being too rough with our kitten. He ran to P, who then came to confront me for “being so mean to Diffin.”

P and G, January 2010

They fight and hurt each other’s feelings sometimes, but the bond between them is more than I ever dreamed it would be. And while there is no substitute for a parent’s love… I’m not always sure my boys would agree. 

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P: Diffin, what are you gonna be when you grow up?
G: I am gonna work in your restaurant with you!
P: But you don’t have to do that if you don’t want to.
G: I will, so then I won’t have to be away from you.

- Overheard 02/01/10 

When Jen isn’t creepily photographing her children in their sleep, she blogs at Diagnosis: Urine.