When we thought about having a second child I had images of snuggling the new baby in to the carrier and heading off to do all sorts of things with my 2-year-old son.  I imagined going to the library, the park and the indoor playground.  I thought it would be a chance for me to explore the world with my son, with the baby hanging out with us. Having twins meant reconsidering that plan.

I don’t think our son really understood we were going to be having twins until they arrived home from the hospital. He was only 27 months old when they were born and I’m not sure he was old enough to conceptualize what it meant to have a new baby in our family let alone two. But, it isn’t from a lack of effort on our part.

We talked about babies and big brothers

Starting a few months before they were due, we began to introduce the idea of babies. The timing was good because he had suddenly started to notice babies and we had a couple of friends who had new babies. We spent a lot of time talking about babies in general and about having two new babies in our family.  We read books and talked about looking after babies. We pointed to my tummy and talked about the babies inside. At the same time, we started talking about being a big brother and how that is a special job.  The day before the babies were born (scheduled c-section) we went and bought him a “big brother” shirt.  He loved that shirt and wore it for days after the babies were born.

We established and maintained routines

We moved him to his new bedroom and made the transition from his crib to his bed a few months before the babies were due so he was settled there before they were born. We set up the crib and change table and sorted clothes for the new babies to establish their presence.

Fortunately my pregnancy didn’t interfere too much with his routine. Later in my pregnancy, Daddy had to look after getting him up because I couldn’t lift him anymore. But, as much as possible we kept things the same.  Our son went to the same dayhome until just before Christmas (the babies were born in early January).

We took advantage of the time we had before the babies were born

Over Christmas we spent lots of one-on-one time with our son. We did practical things like getting his hair cut, and fun things like going for pictures with Santa.  This meant I had to borrow a wheelchair so I could get around more easily, but it was worth it.

We prepared gifts to and from the babies

We took our son to the baby section and let him pick a gift for the babies.  He chose a package of socks. So we wrapped those up and he brought them when he came to meet the babies at the hospital.  We also bought two books for him as gifts from the babies.  The books were also a good distraction for him while he visited in the hospital.

We prepared for my hospital stay

We didn’t really do much to prepare him for my hospital stay. The morning of my c-section, I spent a few minutes explaining to him I was going away to have the babies and that Daddy and Nana would look after him. In the hospital, we found out where there was kids playroom.  We also brought some snacks and toys for his visits. When he did come to visit, I tried to spend time with him and let someone else hold the babies.

We explained to him in simple terms (“Mommy has an owie on her tummy”) that I couldn’t carry him or hold him on my lap for a little while.  He needed some reminders, but he accepted it.

We made sure there were two adults around

During the first six weeks after my c-section, I always had someone around to help. I could lift my son, so someone needed to be there to look after him and to entertain him.  Whenever there were errands to do Daddy or Nana would take him along so he got one-on-one time.

We included him

Our son picked outfits for the babies and got them blankets and bibs when they needed them.  We made the baby supplies accessible to him and gave him some responsibilities in caring for them. He could rock them in the swing or turn on the bouncy seat. When I was breastfeeding, which seemed like all the time, I would read him stories so he could feel included.  After I finished feeding the girls, he and I would have cuddle time with a blanket.

We got out of the house

When the girls were three months old, our son started going to the dayhome again two days a week.  This was for him as much as for me.  He enjoyed playing with the other kids his age, getting outside, and not having everything revolve around the babies.  It was also a chance for me to spend time with just the girls and to rest.  As the weather improved and we got more organized, we started to do more things.  We went to the indoor playground, we took mom and tots dance classes, and we went to the library program.  It helped to have a friend in the same class to help out if necessary.  And it was important to leave enough time to get ready for any trip.

We made him the expert

When people wanted to visit the babies, our son would the one to tell them things like the babies’ names. We wanted to be sure he was included when people came to see the babies.  He loved to show off his “big brother” shirt. Some people brought him gifts when the came to see the babies, so he didn’t seem to be too jealous of the attention.  When visitors wanted to hold the babies, it was good time for him to cuddle with Mommy and Daddy.

Surprisingly, there hasn’t been too much jealously or negativity towards the babies. In fact, soon after they were born we were out at a store. The people next to us were unloading an infant car seat and our son asked “why do they only have one baby?” as if having two was the norm.

Do you have any other suggestions for helping an older sibling prepare for multiples?  How did your children respond to having new babies in the family?

After the babies are born, there was healing after a c-section. It took time for my body to recover after giving birth. In my case the doctor recommended restricted activity for 6 weeks, but my incision was uncomfortable for more than 6 months. Of course the first days and weeks were hardest while my body was healing and I was breastfeeding two babies.  I was tired and sore.

Then caring for two babies was hard on my body. The repetitive actions of lifting babies, carrying babies, bending over to bath, dress and change babies, and the hours of holding and feeding babies are all focused more on caring the baby than on good posture. Over time, sitting in uncomfortable positions wore on my body. And having two babies and a toddle to care for didn’t leave much time for exercise or taking care of myself.

And then the babies got bigger and heavier and more active. Lifting babies, car seats and diaper bags strengthens some muscles but also puts strain on my body. Hoisting a double stroller in and out of the car made it harder. I definitely get more active as the girls got more active, but again I was too busy caring for them to look after myself.

My girls are 16 months and not yet walking, so I’m not sure of what new challenges they have for my body. I hoping that when they start walking my back will have a chance to rest and heal. Fortunately, the discomfort caused by my feet flattening from the weight gain has improved with custom orthotics, but my doctor says I’ll just have to live with some of the post-pregnancy issues I’ve developed.

I’ve finally got enough of a routine in my life and some childcare options that allow me to go to the gym and to yoga. I’m trying to incorporate more activity in to our daily routine now that the weather is improving. One added benefit is that fresh air makes everyone sleeps better. Looking after my body definitely makes it easier to look after my children. It also gives me a chance to think about something other than who needs my attention now. The benefits are obvious, but sometimes it is hard to get motivated to go to the gym after a long day.

How do you care for your body/yourself? How do you keep motivated when you’re tired? What are the benefits that make it worth the effort?

First, I chose to be part of midwife-based care program from the beginning.  The midwives focused on issues like nutrition, emotional wellbeing, and staying active during pregnancy. They were also prepared to look at “alternative” therapies to help with pregnancy like nutrition, supplements, acupuncture, chiropractic care, massage therapy, yoga, and other exercises, which gave me a good foundation for making healthy decision even after my care was transferred to a doctor when we found out about the twins.

Second, based on the benefits in my first pregnancy, I started going for pregnancy massage regularly throughout my pregnancy. It helped with the aches and pains of pregnancy, and with the swelling in my hands and feet. My massage therapist was also able to provide lots of advice and information because of her training in pregnancy massage and as a doula.

Third, I started taking medication for nausea as soon as it became a problem. I didn’t wait until I felt so horrible I couldn’t eat and I started losing weight like in my first pregnancy. I continued to take medication until the day before my c-section.  The nausea improved significantly through my pregnancy, but it persisted through the whole pregnancy.

Fourth, when we found out we were expecting twins, we joined a multiple prenatal class.  It provided some helpful information, but most importantly we got a copy of Dr. Barbara Gore’s book When You’re Expecting Twins, Triplets or Quads. The focus on the importance of nutrition and weight gain was the most helpful part. I also joined an online chat group for moms of multiples, and borrowed a lot library books. Having information and answers to my questions helped me to feel in control and prepared to make decisions.

In other ways, my twin pregnancy was harder than my singleton pregnancy. From the beginning, I felt tired all the time.  Part of that was because I had an active toddler to chase around, but part of it was growing two babies. Fortunately my schedule as a grad student was quite flexible. I called my routine “self-imposed bedrest” and gave myself permission to only do what I felt I could handle. In a typical day, I would get my son up, fed and off to the dayhome.  I’d come home and nap for 1-2 hours.  I’d get up and work for a couple of hours and have lunch.  In the afternoon, I’d have another nap before picking up my son. I’d get supper ready and clean up.  In the evenings, I didn’t do much except sit on the couch, and eat – I was constantly hungry.

Throughout my pregnancy, I had more doctor’s appointments, ultrasounds, blood tests, and hospital visits.  These appointments were both physical tiring and time consuming, but I quickly learned to bring my book, my water bottle and a snack. I learned to only plan one activity per day, especially if it involved travelling anywhere because I knew I’d be exhausted by the end of it.

The last 6 weeks (from about 32 weeks) the point where my twin pregnancy really started to differ from my first pregnancy. I was big and awkward. It was hard to get motivated to do anything, and it was challenging even to just leave the house. It was uncomfortable to wear my shoes or boots. My balance wasn’t great and it was icy, so I often stayed home for days in a row. I started getting light-headed, so we decided I shouldn’t be driving alone, and eventually walking any distance got to be too hard.  I ended up borrowing a wheelchair from the Red Cross so I could go with my son for his picture with Santa and to do some Christmas shopping. Even doing things in the house was challenging, so I would plan my day with the fewest trips up and down the stairs.

And, the end of my pregnancy was very different. Instead of a mostly natural, midwife-assisted delivery at 41 weeks, I had a scheduled c-section at 37+ weeks.  And, I got to bring home two little girls, instead of one little boy.

How was your multiple pregnancy different from your other pregnancies?

Just a note: I live in Canada so I don’t have much to offer in the way of information about the US medical system, and I certainly won’t offer any medical advice.  But I’m sure there’s still things that I could say that might be helpful to you.

Here are some of the types of clothes you might encounter in your pregnancy:

First, you wear the “early” pregnancy clothes. This is when you are feeling bloated and uncomfortable in regular clothes, but it is still way too early to tell anyone you are pregnant or to start wearing maternity clothes.  If this is your second pregnancy and a multiple pregnancy, like in my case, this stage starts within a couple of weeks of finding out you’re pregnant.

Next come the “look-at-me-I’m-pregnant” maternity clothes.  You go on your first shopping trip to buy maternity clothes. You are excited about being pregnant and can’t wait to let everyone know. You buy the cute maternity tops and low-rise pants.  If you’re daring, you try them on at the store wearing the pillow around your stomach to show how they’ll look further along in your pregnancy. Depending on your budget, you may also have some “hand-me-down” maternity clothes. These are the maternity clothes that you get from friends and family who have had babies.  They might not be quite your style, but you probably can’t afford a whole new wardrobe, especially if your pregnancy will take you through more than one season.

Eventually, you realize you have to get some “I-have-to-buy-what?!” maternity clothes. These are the clothes you buy when you discover that your normal underwear is just not going to keep fitting through your pregnancy, even if you buy the next size bigger.  The same with bras, and socks, if your feet swell.  They are ridiculously expensive and you can’t imagine what you’ll do with them after your pregnancy.

At some point, fashion sense doesn’t matter and you want the “I-just-want-to-be-comfortable” maternity clothes.  No, these are the clothes that aren’t particularly stylish or suitable for wearing to work, but they are the only comfortable clothes you have.  They include the XL t-shirts from your partner and the maternity sundresses you wish you could wear every day.

If you’re having multiples, you’ll get to the point where you nee the “please-I’ll-take-whatever-you-have” maternity clothes.  These are the clothes you beg, borrow and steal from anyone, anywhere when you discover at 6 months you’ve outgrown all your maternity pants. When your size small maternity clothes don’t fit so you borrow some size large pants from a friend in hopes they’ll fit you a few more months.

As the seasons change, you realize you need some “I’ve-been-avoiding-buying-these” maternity clothes like a winter coat when it snows in October and you can’t avoid going outside for the next three months. You try to get by with wearing the “I-just-want-to-be-comfortable” maternity sweater, but it just isn’t warm enough. You also get stubborn about the “I-refuse-to-buy-these” maternity clothes, which include new winter boots that will fit your swollen feet.  You can make do with the “improvised” maternity clothes by unlacing your hiking boots, and wearing them if you absolutely have to leave the house.

Then your babies are born, and you need a whole new wardrobe. To start with, you wear the “yes-these-are-still-maternity” outfits.  They seem a little baggy right now, and after 4 or 5 months, you’re really tired of wearing them, but you don’t have the time or energy to go shopping with your newborn babies. You also wear the “easy-access” nursing tops so you can discreetly breastfeed those hungry babies anywhere.  After a while, you give up on worrying about discretion because, face it, you’re breastfeeding nearly all the time.

After a while, you realize the maternity clothes are too big but you’re still a long way from fitting in your regular clothes.  You treat yourself to a shopping trip, but you only buy “causal-mom” clothes like active wear (i.e. sweat pants), jeans and t-shirts because you rarely leave the house, and they’ll just get spit up on them anyway.

Eventually, you decide you need some nice clothes or else you’ll go crazy.  So, you head out to a sale or a consignment store and buy a couple of nice outfits.  You wear them whenever you get the chance, but every time you put them on, they feel a little bigger.  After a few times, you realize they are starting to get too big, too.

When you go back to work, you realize you have to abandon the jeans, sweats and t-shirts and wear “real” clothes again. So, you pull out your early pregnancy clothes almost fit again.  By now, it has been over a year since you’ve seen these clothes, so it is like having new clothes, sort of.  But, you’re also really used to wearing comfy loungewear, and dressing up takes way more time in the morning.

Hooray! Finally, you realize you can squeeze in to your “normal” clothes again. Your pre-pregnancy clothes don’t quite fit the same way. Your hips are a little wider, your chest is a little bigger, your feet are a little wider… You start to get dressed every morning in an assortment of clothes that are a little too big and a little too small.

Then you finally take on the task of sorting through all these clothes and figuring out what can stay, what has to go (sell, donate, give away, throw away), and what you’ll store in case you need it again some day. You have to give up the sweater that lost most of the buttons when you stretched it over your giant belly.  You have say good bye to the sweat pants that fit you through your whole pregnancy when you undid the drawstring all the way.  You get to say good riddance to the nursing tops and the pregnancy underwear. And you can probably justify spending your birthday money on a few pieces to update your “I’m-a-busy-mom” wardrobe.

Any fashion advice for a pregnant mom of multiples? Or a new mom with multiples who’s heard it is “9 months on and 9 months off”?

I’m not a stroller snob. I had an Evenflo travel system with my first child, and got a Combi Twin Savvy when my boys were born, even though what I really wanted was the Mountain Buggy Urban Double. (You should click that link just to see the price. It’s worth the chuckle.) I needed a double stroller with a sit and stand but they didn’t exist when I was cranking out my brood.

When we found out I was pregnant with #4, the twins were 1.5 and A was 3. I mentally calculated my boys’ ability to walk alongside me plus my daughter’s capacity for obedience, multiplied by my anxiety level and divided by the number of hands God saw fit to give me, and found that I was lacking. I knew I could make do for a short time with the baby in a sling and the boys in the double stroller, but my aptitude for sling use drops off sharply once a baby moves out of the limp doughy phase.

I wanted a triple stroller, and scoured the resale shops for one. Instead, I stumbled upon a J Mason Quad Carriage for $100. You can bet I snapped that thing up and dragged it home. I want to make some shoes reference here, like, “…Carrie Bradshaw finding a pair of vintage blah blah somethings at a thrift store,” but I don’t know enough about high end footwear, plus I bet Carrie Bradshaw would never step foot into a thrift store.

The quad stroller – or “four stroller,” as my children call it – wasn’t perfect. But alas, what union between parent and stroller is? The quad was heavy, bulky, and a real beast to maneuver on uneven terrain. But for trips to the zoo, for example, it was a godsend. And let’s be honest: I was staying home with four kids 4 and under. I wasn’t going much of anywhere.

Three days before the twins 5th birthday, I sold the four stroller. The kids were devastated. They wept in protest as they watched me clean it up, and they begged me to keep it. We settled on one final ride.

A’s gangly legs didn’t fit in the back; she had to throw them over the lap bar in the front seat. The boys climbed into the back, I placed baby #4 into the open front seat, and we set off. As I sweated and gasped for air, I reflected on my maiden voyage with the quad stroller, three years ago. Then, too, I sweated and panted my way around the block, Braxton-Hicks contractions kicking in as I pushed my 90 lb toddler payload. This 2009 haul was more like 150 lbs, and left me grateful that I don’t have to do this anymore.

When the couple purchasing my stroller arrived, I was happy to saunter back inside and watch from the window as they wrestled that mammoth into the back of their van. Never again will I watch my husband sweat and curse quietly while struggling to fold it. Never again will my children stream out from the quad stroller’s depths like it’s a clown car. Never again will we look like a circus sideshow in public. The moment was bittersweet, until I remembered I’d just made $75, and then it was only sweet.

Let’s see… flat stomach, looking bored rather than constant multi-tasking, plenty of time to take entertaining photos mocking my telecommuting… that would be zero days pregnant.

Time to guess again! How pregnant am I in the following picture?

My readers will know I was exactly 36w with fraternal twin boys in this picture. My stomach hurts when I see that picture now. Singleton bellies look so cute and fun in comparison, huh?

Last picture… and I want you to think really hard before answering. Look at the two pictures above for comparison and guess how pregnant I was in the following picture:

Okay do you have a guess in your mind? Have you really thought about it? Make a guess.

Here’s the answer: it is a trick question. I was not pregnant in that picture. My boys were already born! This is the day I checked out the hospital, when my boys were 5 days old.

A couple of lessons here:

* If you’re pregnant with multiples, bring some BIG maternity clothes to the hospital with you when you deliver. The general rule is that you will look 6 months pregnant after birth, but that’s not 6 months-cute-singleton-belly pregnant. Bring clothes that comfortably fit when YOU were 6 months pregnant. I actually wore my biggest clothes home because OUCH twin c-section incision still healing. And the boobs… they continued to grow.

* Keep taking photos. I CRIED when I saw that picture, I mean I really bawled. This is not how you envision you will look post-partum when someone is taking pictures of you with your newborns. But I told my husband to keep snapping and make sure I was in plenty of pictures. I now treasure the photos where I have a huge jelly belly and I am cuddling my sweet smelling newborns because now they are big three year olds. And when my boys turned one, I was still not back to my pre-pregnancy shape (and am still not!) but when I used the above photo for comparison, I felt so much better about the progress I had made. So keep snapping!

Part II

Rich and I had walked into that ultrasound appointment hoping to hear that our baby was healthy and wanting to know if that baby would be a boy or a girl.  We were in such a state of shock by what we were told that we never even thought to ask if the babies were boys or girls.  In fact, it would be hours later before we even realized that, as identicals, they would be ALL girls or ALL boys.

Later that night, as we tossed and turned, trying to fall asleep, I saw an image of three little girls dressed in red velvet holiday dresses sitting on my piano bench.  It was like a dream.  I rolled over and whispered to Rich, “We are going to have girls and that baby is going to be fine.  She’s going to be able to walk on her own.  I saw her and her legs looked normal.  She wasn’t wearing leg braces.”   

At my next appointment, the nurse made the comment of, “Well, you know the odds.”  It was in regards to a successful outcome of this type of pregnancy.  After she left the room, Rich asked me, “What are the odds?  Did they ever tell us exactly what the odds are?”  I responded with, “No.  Don’t ask.  I don’t want to know.”

This pregnancy proved to be ripe with complications but thankfully, there was nothing serious enough to endanger the girls.  I was diagnosed with a thyroid problem during my first trimester and then I failed both the one hour and three hour screenings for gestational diabetes.  There were two nights that I ended up in Labor & Delivery after experiencing too many Braxton Hicks contractions.  Thankfully, again, an IV of fluids kept real contractions at bay.

I waddled into the hospital at 35 weeks and 6 days for my scheduled c-section.  The girls were delivered without incident and I was able to see Anna and Emily before they were taken to the NICU and the Special Care Nursery.  Rich was able to spend time with Allie, which is why the nurses did not bring her down to see me, and to see Anna and Emily in the operating room.  Allie and Emily spent two days in the Special Care Nursery for observation and then were released to my room.

The girls never showed any signs of twin-to-twin transfusion in utero.  Their birth weights were 5 pounds 3 ounces, 4 pounds 13 ounces and 4 pounds 13 ounces.    

Anna’s first surgery occurred within hours of her birth.  A neurosurgeon closed her exposed spinal column.  A few days later, she underwent another surgery to place a shunt in her brain to drain excess fluid to her abdominal cavity.  The shunt required revision surgery a few days later after the doctors determined that it was not functioning properly.      

I look at my girls today, more than two years after their birth, and I am still in awe of their being.  I find amazement in all that they do and say.  They are so much more than I could have ever dreamed of.

Did you experience any complications during your pregnancy?  How did you cope/manage with any negatives?

Goddess in Progress has discussed her struggles around whether or not to go for number three and Laura C has also blogged about knowing she is happy with two rambuncious boys. This may shock some of you moms of multiples out there but my husband and I decided to start trying for a third kid right around month 5 with our newborn twins.

If I saw me through a lens I would think we were crazy. After all, I work too much, Husband travels too much, we haven’t even figured out how to be parents – why add another baby into the mix? You may be toying with the idea yourself so I thought I’d let you in on all the discussions we’ve had since deciding to take the plunge:

1. Parenting is Fun. Husband and I originally decided to have kids because “hey, that’s what you do”. If you love each other and want to pass on your values and genetic code you force the next generation to suffer through your parenting mistakes. We both can’t believe how much we like it. It’s not always pretty but we think someday we’ll love our kids not only because of their genetic code but because we helped raise them into loving, self-sufficient (here’s hoping) adults.

2. Did You See My Gray Hair(s)? We started trying for kids before I turned 30. Two years and 2 rounds of Clomid later, we discovered we were having twins. My mom had her FOURTH kid at 32. I’m not getting any younger so I want to have another kid while I can – ideally before I’m 35. The bigger and as-of-yet unresolved issue is whether we undergo any fertility treatments if we don’t have any success in the next 6 months. Husband says no way. I say, hmmm…. [noncommittal noises].

3. TWO MORE? Since I’m a triplet there is some possibility – and every mom of multiples fear – that we could end up pregnant again with two (or more) even without fertility treatments. We’re okay with that. Seriously. I not-so-secretly think having two babies at once is more of a joy than one even when factoring in the headaches that go into two babies. I also think that the third kid might feel a bit left out so why not have another set of twins?

4. Little Helpers vs. Bring On the Chaos. Lots of moms wait until multiples kids are older to have more kids. I’m more of the mindset that we lump the diapers, the potty training, the assertion of independence right in a row so we “get it over with” (can you tell I’m not a big fan of the “newborn” phase?). My brother was 6 years younger than my sisters and me and while yes, we were able to make him breakfast and eventually drive him around we weren’t close or “played” together in any way until he became a full-fledged adult. As my kids have started to go through the development leap phase (as of yet unsuccessful) and I have spent some time with my 2.5 year old nephew I know it will be hard, very hard to have 3 kids under the age of 2 or 3 (since time is ticking without any results). But won’t it be better once they are all 5 and 7, right? Right? Plus if we delay then we could love the self-sufficiency of having older kids so much we don’t dare create new chaos. To be honest I was sort of hoping I would get pregnant my first month back at work so I could keep everything off balance.

5. Logistics/Money. It’s not going to be cheap and it’s not going to be easy. We’ll continue with our retirement savings goals and try to save for their college costs. Our primary financial goal is that we don’t want to have to rely on our kids to support us in old age – even knowing that social security and Medicaid will likely be bankrupt when we retire. I’d like to tell you we carefully looked at our finances but frankly it’s a crap shoot. We have enough faith in ourselves that we can make it work.

Our family would be complete without any more kids; but we have room in our hearts for more. What about you, readers: When is the best time for another kid after multiples (if ever)? Would you go for more if it involved fertility treatments?

The Issue: Family support

What I thought: When I was pregnant, I had so many people wishing me well and offering help. I honestly felt like I would have gobs of folks lined up and out the door when my twins were born. I never thought otherwise, in fact.

What really happened: No one showed up. We had help the first two weeks and barely anything after that. I was overwhelmed, depressed and exhausted.

My advice now: Even if you think the world will show up, plan for it not happening. In fact, I’ve spent a lot of my blogging days writing about this topic because of my experience. There are lots of ways to help mothers of multiples and for MOMs to help themselves, too. Check out these old HDYDI posts of mine here and here.