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Rahul and Leila have come a long way since their birth at 31 weeks gestation. At 18 months they have caught up with other children their age physically, emotionally and developmentally.

Leila recently jumped from the 5th to the 10th percentile in weight, and Rahul is steady at the 10th.  In height they are both at the 50^th percentile. All in all, according to the charts (which might be slightly different that the US standard ones?), they are light weight children of average height. Not that it means much anymore. Last month I met a five month old baby who weighed as much as Leila. At their NICU there was a baby born at 24 weeks, much tinier than them. Now however, when I see them play amongst toddlers their own age, they merge right in, size-wise as well as ability-wise.

Since they were born a couple of months early it was normal, even necessary to closely monitor their weight gain. Thankfully we have had no serious problems since they left the NICU. They are both running, playing, and talking a lot. They are full of energy.

It’s time for me to let go of the obsessive monitoring. They need a break from being scrutinized and compared. They inevitably get a lot of it just for being twins. They don’t need any more, and especially not from me. In the big picture a little delay here or there is not a big deal. I have noticed that they are eating a little more than before, sleeping a little bit better, and enjoying each other.

I have found that comparing healthy babies growth and development is useless, and even silly. We all do it though. It’s natural. Parents often compare how soon their babies sit up, crawl, start sprouting teeth, walk, and talk in relation to others. Discussing these things with other mums and dads is important, especially for first time parents. It is necessary to follow-up on certain milestone achievements. If a real problem is caught soon enough it could be addressed more effectively.

There is a wide range of normal. I can see that just by having two babies. Leila crawled by 7 months, Rahul started after 9. They both had issues with digestion in the NICU. They digest differently. R has a strong reflux, Leila a poor appetite. Now L eats all the time and R eats only when he can feed himself! They both got their first teeth around the same time. According to Dr. Sear’s “The Baby Book”, when teeth come out is a genetic trait. Speech seems to be a big “issue”, and especially when there is more than one language spoken. We have 3 languages around us, and so far they are both saying words in all.

My brother didn’t speak until he was 2. My grandmother forced my parents to see doctors about this. Neither did he eat. What a catastrophe. My parents were easy-going enough to let him be. When he was ready he spoke and when he was hungry he ate. Now he talks a lot, and eats a lot. He is a professional sportsman, and a big guy. My brother-in-law spoke “late”, but apparently when he did it was in full grammatically correct sentences!

When asked, I usually responded to questions about my children’s age, weight, birth order etc. And then I asked similar questions back. Sometimes I even initiated such dialogues. I knew it was silly, but I needed to hear that Leila and Rahul are smaller than others to validate their experience of early birth, as well as mine being their primary care-giver. It has not been easy with their tiny milk feeds. After birth they wouldn’t drink more than 1 to 3 ml of milk at a time. By 1 year R could take 120ml. But because of his reflux he had to stop and burp every 30 ml. Each feed was drink, burp, drink, burp…  Leila woke up every 2 to 3 hours to drink at night, and still does. Most babies around us sleep through the night and eat comfortably. I couldn’t help comparing.

I was listening to a studio talk by Richard Freeman, an inspiring senior Ashtanga teacher the other day. I am paraphrasing what I understood from it. He said as soon as we realise that our Asana posture is medium, that it could look better, and it could also look worse, there is a release. The pressure dissolves and the breathing starts. It is no longer about having the perfect posture. It is more intrinsic and personal. That’s when the suffering stops and the practice can deepen.

The same goes for size. As soon as we can acknowledge that we are medium, that we could be taller or shorter, fatter or thinner, there is a release. We can move on and think about other things. I once told a close friend that her son was tall. “No” she responded, “he is average height.” Her honesty struck me.

Rahul and Leila are changing all the time, as I am. When I am around them I want to be actually present. I want to encourage them to have fun, and to laugh. They have enough time to follow curriculae and perform in the future. We can all stack 4 blocks and order rings according to size. It makes no difference to me if they can do it now, or in a few months. They are full of love and energy and that is what really matters. I want them to be Medium and Happy.

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Natasha lives in Chengdu, China with her husband Maher. She is mum of  twins Leila and Rahul, and was an Ashtanga Yoga teacher until her little yogis became the teachers. You can find more of her thoughts and stories at Our Little Yogis.

You see, I am a little overwhelmed. Lots of traveling + moving into a new house + a new clingy phase = absolute mayhem around here most days and nights. My girls refuse to sit in their new high chairs or sit down in the bath. They demand me and my lap constantly. They have suddenly begun waking every four hours screaming for bottles that just a month ago were almost completely eliminated from our routine. And as of two weeks ago, the only way I can get them to go sleep is to lie down with one on either side of me and let them flop around for an hour while they slowly settle themselves. I won’t even discuss naps, which occur only while wasting endless gallons of gas in the car.

How did I get here?

After losing a key piece of one crib during our recent move, I took it as a sign (brilliant!) and made a rash decision to abandon the cribs entirely (my girls are 19 months old) and transition to floor beds. Yes, yes, I know: all the HDYDI ladies have strongly recommended against beginning this transition too early. But I liked the Montessori-inspired floor bed idea, and I figured that having the beds to play on during the day would be a treat.

I also figured that giving them a bottle of milk at 6am when they woke would yield two additional hours of sleep for them and me in the morning. Though it worked for two days, my excellent idea has since backfired royally, with the 6am bottle slowly creeping back toward 2am, and a new round of screams/demands for “Babas” occurring at 6:30am. Of course, full wakefulness follows, and I’m now getting far less sleep than I got five months ago. As for their complete refusal to sit in the bath or high chairs and their propensity to hurt/attempt to murder each other every 15 minutes, I am blaming my 18-months-is-the-new-terrible-twos theory.

I know we need to institute some order and calm in our family. I know because I have cried three nights in a row and have poured myself increasingly larger glasses of wine each night after their long protracted bedtime. I know because my husband and I are sniping at each other like we did in those first sleep-deprived weeks/months of their infancy.

I know I need to wean them from their bottles and get them to stop demanding milk meals during the night. I know I need to re-Ferberize them (we did it with great success at 14 months). I know I need to figure out what in the hell I’m doing about their sleeping situation, and commit to these floor beds or find/buy the missing crib part and revert back to cribs.

I pride myself on being a laid-back mom, but somehow in the last few months my relaxed attitude has not served me well. I need to pick my battles and fix something, because many things in this situation are broken.

I think I’m going to start by working on reducing the amount of milk they drink during the night. Baby steps! And I’ll continue to enjoy liberal pours of red wine in the evening and that really great chocolate and tell myself that this, too shall pass. One day I’ll be in charge again!

So how do you all right the ship when it’s gone off course? How do you control the chaos and prevent it from controlling you?

I am a major planner and the thing that has been on my mind lately is planning the kids’ transition out of the crib and into a bed. I know I am still a little early since they are only 16 months old but as I said, I am a planner. I struggle because I also need to separate their bedrooms. Part of it is that they are boy/girl but the bigger part is that the bedrooms are so small in our house, I do not think I can fit two twin size beds into one room.

The logistic side of me says when they are ready to leave the crib and move to a big bed just move their rooms then. I was thinking we take a weekend where the kids can stay at Grandma’s and my husband and I can play musical rooms. Then the kids can be totally surprised and excited about each having their own room with their own stuff and it will be lots of fun.

Then the motherly side of me kicked in. No longer in the safety of their crib, no longer in a room with their sibling, and poor David will be in a completely different room. I worry that it would be a huge shock to their little bodies and no one will sleep for months (I can’t go through that again!).

So far, the best thing I thought of is when the time comes, still take that weekend, play musical rooms but keep one crib in each room. That way each room will contain one twin size bed and one crib. My hope is that that will let them deal with the transition of being apart and get used to their new rooms while still having the comfort (and confinement) of their cribs. Let them be in that arrangement for a few weeks and then start to use the twin bed.

What did you do to transition your children from the crib to the big bed?
Did you separate their rooms?
How old were they when you made these transitions?

I can’t specifically remember what was going on at 9 months, but I know we established a sleep routine when the girls were about 6 months old and much earlier with our son. After dinner there would be baths some nights, then pyjamas, breastfeeding, sleep sacks and bed. The girls were used to this routine and settled quickly. They would usually both wake up to feed again before I went to bed. Then they would sleep for a longer stretch, sometimes until morning.

My husband is a night owl, and he would often bring the girls for another feeding before he went to bed. Timing these late night/very early morning feedings was important. If I was awake to feed them after 4:30 a.m. there was no point trying to go back to sleep. I would have slept long enough my body felt rested. I would be hungry enough I couldn’t put off going downstairs for a snack. By the time I was back in bed, I would be too awake to settle to sleep. My mind would start mulling over things, making plans for the day and composing email. I was better off getting up and doing something productive for a few hours before everyone else woke up. Usually I could make up for it with an afternoon nap with the kids.

Unfortunately, on the rare nights when the kids are awake in the night, the 4:30 a.m. rule still applies. If I’m awake, I might as well just get up. In fact that’s why I was up at 5:30 yesterday morning.

Tiny and Buba- two weeks old

Months later, I was finally getting larger blocks of sleep, but because my babies still needed a night feeding (due to slow weight gain) it wasn’t until they were almost 9 months old that they were able to sleep through the night. As we embarked on our week of sleep training, my husband and I decided to implement three rules that we’d read from the “experts” or heard about from other parents.

Rule #1: Our Day Starts at 6:30am

This is the time that my husband has to get up to get ready for work, so it made sense to make this our start time. If/when the kids wake up before 6:30am, the are left to amuse themselves until our alarm clock goes off. Most days, they wake up between 6 and 6:30 anyway, so it’s not as though they spend hours in their crib waiting for me to come in and free them. Because this is how it is every single day (yes, even on weekends) they are used to it and quite good at entertaining themselves until morning officially begins. But, of course, it wasn’t always magically like this. In the beginning, there was some crying when I didn’t enter the room the second I heard them stirring. However, with time, they got over it.

Rule #2: Naptime and Bedtime are to be Strictly Observed

We’re pretty rigid with our schedules and routines, so this one was easy for us. We make a point of being at home for naptime everyday and bedtime is always between 7:00 and 7:30pm. Okay, I say always, but there have been a few exceptions. The point is, that unless there is a special occasion, our kids sleep at the same times every day.

Rule #3: The No Intervention Policy

Once we walk out the door, there is no going back in. If I hear crying, I wait it out. At this point, it doesn’t last more than a minute or two, and I’ve found that going back into the room is not as productive as I’d thought it would be. I have also learned that it’s not unusual for either of my kids to cry a little bit in between their sleep cycles, and my going in is actually more disruptive than the crying. Because my kids have shared a room since day one, they are quite used to each other’s noises and most of the time sleep right through them (even if I can’t).

This is what works for us (so far), but I am fully aware that what works for some families doesn’t work for others and for a variety of reasons. So, what works for you? Do your kids sleep like champs or have you had to tweak your sleep rules as your babies have grown to keep everyone well rested?

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reanbean is a stay at home mom to 21 month old boy/girl twins. You can now read more about reanbean, Tiny, and Buba at reanbean.com.

Sleep and related topics have been on my mind quite a bit recently. We’ve just moved to a new house with more bedrooms, lots more bedrooms. Thought it wasn’t the only reason, one of our reasons for looking for a new house was to have enough room for the girls to each have their own bedrooms, at some point, if they want them, or a very large room to share. There will also be enough bedrooms for office space for Mom and Dad, and still there will be rooms to spare.

In the new house, the girls will share a bedroom.  For the first time they will be in separate cribs in the same room.  Now this isn’t the first time they’ll be sleeping apart, nor the first time they will be in cribs, just the first time they will be in separate cribs in the same room.

Since we brought the girls home in January, we’ve tried a wide range of sleeping arrangements.

When they first came home from the hospital…

• two babies sharing cradle in our bedroom
• two babies sharing bassinette in the playpen in the living room
• one baby in the bassinette in the basement TV room for quick naps when we were watching TV.  Usually the other baby was eating.

But they soon outgrew the bassinette, and we needed to find new solutions…

• two babies sharing crib in our bedroom
• two babies sharing playpen in dining room

After just a couple of days of lifting two babies in and out of the playpen, we needed a different solution…

• two babies sharing crib in our bedroom
• two babies sharing a new (second) crib in dining room

Then we decided they were ready to sleep in their own room …

• two babies sharing crib in my office their bedroom (or “babies’ office” as my son called it)
• two babies sharing crib in the dining room

But, they didn’t always share the same sleep schedule…

• one baby in the crib in their bedroom and one in the bassinette in the playpen in our room at night
• two babies sharing crib in the dining room during the day

Then we decided to put our house up for sale so we had to remove the crib from the dining room and the playpen from our bedroom…

• two babies sharing the crib in their bedroom

Then I took the children to stay with my mom while the house was for sale

• two babies in two playpens except when they took turns sleep with me

Then we came back home…

• two babies sharing the crib in their bedroom

Until the fan in our son’s room broke, and for a short time…

• two babies sharing the crib in their bedroom and one toddler in the playpen in their bedroom

About  in mid-October, the girls seemed to be waking up more than usual, so we decided to separate them…

• one baby in the crib in their bedroom
• one baby in the playpen in their bedroom

Which has meant more sleep for me since one of the girls is usually sleep through the night, and her sister is usually only up once.

Now that we are settled in our new house, the girls are sleeping in two cribs in their new bedroom.  One of our girls still wakes up more than her sister, so her crib is closer to the door.

We certainly didn’t plan to try all these different sleeping arrangement, but as their needs and our needs changed, we adapted. And, I’m certain their be more arrangements to try out as they grow in our new house.

When I found out I was pregnant with twins, I had this image of two little babies, sleeping side by side in the crib. Now, once I had said little babies, it didn’t really happen quite like that. Danny had colic, so he was often in his carseat. They learned to roll early, so we bought a second crib pretty early. Then Danny was up every hour or two AT FOUR MONTHS, so we moved Abigail into the spare bedroom, since she could sleep through the night at that point.  But, once we had reached their first birthday, we dismantled the crib in the guest room and moved Abigail back into the nursery with Danny. Finally….this was what I had imagined. Two little guys, chatting to each other as they fell asleep at night and when they woke up in the morning. Ok, so maybe I hadn’t imagined how long they would chat at night…and that they’d be so excited by being in the same room again that they would jump up and down in their crib for an hour, but still…they were back together.

I knew it wouldn’t last forever, since they are different genders. We’d talked about how old was too old to share a room—four? Six? Eight? And then….Abigail started climbing out of the pack ‘n play in the guest room where she napped. Oh, this was not good. With two napless days in a just one week,  I informed my mother-in-law that I was showing up at her house on Saturday and borrowing her spare crib. It’s not like she was using it. And this solved our napping problems. Abigail loved her new crib and was thrilled to nap in it. I was thrilled to have the nap back.

Then….three or four days into the new crib, Abigail announced one night, “I sleep in MY room. In MY crib.” We soon discovered that she meant the guest room (which I really consider more mine than hers….or at least, Grandma’s). It had been a rough night so I didn’t care to argue. Of course, that led to more of a rough night, as Danny began to yell hysterically, “Where Abigail?! Where are you, Abigail?!” from his crib. I finally had to go ask Abigail to yell back to him from her crib. (Now, do keep in mind that our house is only 1600 square feet. It’s not like I had hidden her in some separate wing of the house.) The next night…yep, she was convinced she wanted to sleep in her crib. Now, I know I’m the mom. And I could make her sleep in the nursery. As well as I can make a willful 2.5 year old girl do anything, I suppose. But….I can’t figure out why to have that fight. There are so many other ones to have, and this seems harmless. I’m sad about it, and mourning the loss of another aspect of twindom….but it was going to have to happen at some point anyway. So why fight it now that it happened a few years earlier than I had imagined?

Anyone else have kids who are ready for big changes before you are?

Brian and I had mere hours until bed time to decide: crib tents or toddler beds. We had the toddler beds in the attic, ready and waiting. Crib tents would be a trip to the mall and an expense for a temporary fix. And just HOW temporary we had no idea. Since Brian is the one who deals with nap time 5 most days, the final decision was his. He chose to just go for the beds.

After dinner that night, we went for it. We left the cribs set up in the room, just in case. We pushed their dresser into the closet (just in case). We took the changing table out of their room (just in case). We unplugged their lamp (just in case). We set their CD player in their (now empty) crib so they’d still have their music but hopefully couldn’t get to it (they did). But truth is: they went to bed with little-to-no fanfare. There was no production, we just put them in, turned on the music, said “night-night” and held our breath as we walked out. There was a little whining, but in about 15 minutes, sleep. SLEEP.

Nap time the next day: same thing.

Bed time the next night: Brady needed a little extra cuddle time but honestly, is that the end of the world? Five extra minutes of cuddle. Then SLEEP.

Repeat, repeat, repeat.

Sure, it takes slightly longer for them to settle down for their naps, mostly because we opted to leave their train table in their room. But just yesterday I heard Aaron say to Brady “NO. Night-night.” at nap time. And bed time is not an issue.

We removed the cribs from their room and pushed their little toddler beds together. Sometimes they sleep on their own beds, sometimes they sleep together.

So, yes, it was that easy. I’m as shocked as anybody. Perhaps this bodes well for future potty-training?*

*I know, I’m still laughing too!

I had trouble blogging today.

It’s not that I didn’t have anything relevant to say – twins have been on my mind all week, because of this family who just lost one of their twins very unexpectedly.

It hurts so much to even read about it, and I didn’t want that to be what I shared with you, but because of prematurity and pregnancy complications, loss is interwoven with abundance in the multiples community. I am sure any support, prayers, good thoughts, etc. would be welcomed by the Martinos.

Because of their story, the bond between my boys weighed heavily on my heart this week. My guys are not one of the sets of twins you hear about who are “total opposites.” They like the same things, to varying degrees but enough that they are always together. They discuss what they want to play. Each is heartbroken if the other refuses to “pay wif me,” and they defend each other against our discipline. They sleep tangled up together, closer than I sleep to my husband. Their top loves in life are Mommy, Daddy, and their twin. Their sisters are in another category.

It pains me to think of how we must begin to train them to grow apart. It is necessary, to be sure, but the bond between them has formed so naturally that it seems cruel – a sin – to deliberately weaken it. They have their sisters, close in age. They play with lots of other kids. They rarely dress alike. They’ve done things with us individually since they were babies, but each is always overjoyed to get back home to his twin.

Sometime this week I found a website for the author of Emotionally Healthy Twins: A New Philosophy for Parenting Your Twins as Unique Individuals; Joan Friedman, Ph.D. The page header said, “Creating a New Mindset: Thinking of Twins as Two Separate Children.” A twin herself, the author felt a lot of pressure to play up the twin bond in her life, and when she found herself pregnant with twins, she worried about how to avoid putting the same pressure on her children. The chapter online is interesting reading, touching on topics like “favoring” one twin over the other, and creating a fair and equal childhood (Friedman says it’s better not to!). I’m interested in hearing whether any of you have read Dr. Friedman’s book, and what you think of her advice – particularly if you are an adult multiple yourself. Do you think the bond between multiples is mostly due to a “twin mystique” myth perpetuated by society, or do you think it is something more?

Carissa is a reformed lawyer who now stays at home with her 21 month old boy/girl twins. Carissa and her husband, Aaron brought their twins home from South Korea in October of 2008 when they were 14 months old and have been living and loving life with multiples since! While Carissa started out blogging to get through the adoption process, she now blogs to keep track of the daily happens at their house in central IL as well as get advice on everything from childrearing to fitness! Please visit her at Faith, Hope and Love, http://abc123vn.wordpress.com/

I never expected to be a mother to twins, to be honest I was beginning to wonder if I would be a mother at all. See we could not use any of the usual infertility methods and were told we had about a 2% chance of getting pregnant at all and if it was multiples I would have to be on complete and total bed rest due to some of my issues, so we chose adoption. When we started the process we actually said we would love boy/girl twins and the social worker about laughed us out of the room. See twins in international adoption are rare and boy/girl twins are even more rare so we had about as much chance of getting pregnant as we did of adopting boy/girl twins. Fast forward 14 months and we receive the referral of boy/girl twins from South Korea – boy were they tiny in the pictures even though they were five months old, they had been born at 25 weeks 5 days and must have been fighters to make it that far and be in such good health (though not perfect)! By the time we said yes, we knew that they would be about 14 months old when they came home, the whole thing seemed surreal.

Fast forward again to October 12, 2008 – the day we became a family. Little Man and Little Princess had just turned 14 months old but were more like 7 to 9 months old developmentally. No one had prepared me for one baby let alone two. I will never forget that flight home, Little Princess would ONLY go to her new daddy and would scream when I came near her and Little Man wanted to be walked around the plane for the first 10 hours of the 12 hour flight. My husband’s dinner ended up on the floor and some people were giving us dirty looks, though most were offering to help. I begged my mom to have the pilot turn the plane around so that I could give them back, I didn’t want to do this anymore. My mom, who had come with us for this EXACT reason, quietly told me that was not an option and I was their mother through the good and the bad. 

Little Man and Little Princess have now been home days shy of eight months – yep I have been doing this by trial and error for eight months! As I am sure every mother of multiples has experienced the sleep issues, the eating issues, recently the double tantrum issue and the attachment issues, but that was more adoption than multiples. And some have experienced the multiple doctor visits and the numerous therapists to boot. But as my husband and I were discussing the other day, the thing we love the most about our babies is their bond with each other. See we learned after we said yes that due to a few issues one of our sweet babies has if we had not said yes our babies would have been separated and adopted by different couples possibly worlds apart. We cannot imagine the two of them apart, they don’t even like to play apart. They have their own language that they use to talk to each other – while we love it we hope this goes when they learn to talk. They learn from each other and compliment each other – see our daughter has NO fear and our son will not do anything until he is absolutely sure it is safe, so while he learned to walk first she taught him how to climb the stairs! I love when they try to calm each other or even try to get the other to laugh so that they don’t have to cry anymore. 

I cannot imagine the damage that would have been done if these two had been separated. We are not sure our son would have survived, it took him about 7 months to fully open up to us and really start the attachment process even though he started bonding before that, his sister is the only reason we heard laughter from him before that time. And our daughter may not have been so happy and carefree, she shows us what pure joy is every day!   I have yet to separate them for more than an hour or so at a time, mostly because that causes huge fits and massive jealousy (what is the other one getting that I am not) but I know the day is coming when I will be forced to separate them in some way or another. I already am dreading that day as their bond is greater than any siblings I have ever seen and it will break my heart to see them upset because they do not have each other. For now we keep them together and relish the bond that they have and we will deal with the separation when we have to with the help of the moms from How Do You Do It!

Post #2, by Megan

Married in 2000, my husband and I have entered a new chapter in our life:  parents to 3 children.  Often stopped by strangers with the comment, “Your hands sure are full!” I just smile and remember a quote from an online blogger: “If you think my hands are full, you should see my heart.” 

I have soon-to-be one year old boy-girl twins and a 5-year-old son.  Recently back to work at a new job after a stint as a stay-at-home-mom, I’m studying in preparation for my massage therapist Board exams, while searching for balance in life, love, and marriage. 

This new road in life is sure to offer many adventures, headaches, joys, frustrations…what greater bliss, though, than to love one’s children and see them grow every day.

Birthdays are a time of reflection for me.  I’ve never really been one to make New Year’s resolutions; instead, come spring, right around my birthday, I feel the need to take stock in myself, my life, and my goals.  The same is true with the kid’s birthdays.  We just celebrated my son Logan’s 5^th and later this month we’ll celebrate the babies’ first.  Some pretty major birthdays in my book.  All I can think about is how far we’ve come in the last half-decade since Logan was born, and how different life is from just one year ago before Kade and Addie arrived.  Remembering that I was so big that I couldn’t make the walk around our block this time last year or how I would go to my pre-natal appointments just dreaming of hearing the words “let’s induce” make me realize how different life is today.  And how both my husband and I were completely, totally different parents and people.  So much has changed since we became parents – and then, parents of multiples.

And yet, I find myself fondly gazing forward, too.  I can’t wait to get an idea of who the babies really are.  Their personalities are blossoming.  And every day, there’s something new that they are learning, each at their own pace and own style.  It’s the same with Logan.  He’s more and more a “big kid” every day; I see him practically growing overnight!  Skills that were once hard or challenging now come easily and he is more outgoing and independent than even 6 months ago.

All of this makes me wonder what and who these little people will become.  I would take a sneak-peek into the future if given the option.  Just to see what they look like, or who they are friends with, or who they choose for partners in life.  Is it possible to be completely enthralled with the future at the same time I’m pining for the past?  It’s as if these children are each a special little gift to be opened one day at a time.  I have to remember to be patient and enjoy the joy of watching them grow.

That’s the goal, isn’t it?  To enjoy each day, each milestone for what it is, and not just where it’s leading.  What about all of you?  Do you feel yourselves missing the stage that’s just passed as you pack up the now-too-small clothes?  Or dreaming of what the future holds?  Or, are you able to just sit back and take it all in?

Post #3: A Milestone, by Jenna

Jenna is a mom of a 2.5-year-old son and 4.5-month-old identical twins daughters, and wife to another researcher and student. At some point she will get back to her PhD studies, but in the meantime she’s at home learning with, and from, her three children. She has considered starting a blog to record her experiences and to reflect on her mothering journey, and maybe some day she’ll find the time to do it.

Today marks a milestone in our house. Tonight our 4.5-month-old twin daughters will sleep in their own bedroom.  They usually only wake for one feeding during the night.  Their milestone is about sleeping in their own room. My milestone is about accepting how my life has changed since we found out we were having twins.

I’m a planner and organizer-type person so naturally, before we even conceived the baby, I decided how I was going to balance work, school, my young son, and a new baby About a year ago we decided to have a second child – and I had a plan. According to my plan, I am supposed to be making the final revisions to my doctoral dissertation while I waited for the date to be set for me to defend it….

Instead… yesterday, I found myself at the library with a crying baby in the baby carrier, a crying toddler in one arm, while I pushed a double stroller loaded down with a second baby and a pile of picture books and board books. Clearly my plan is not working out as I imagined it would.

It all changed the day I had my first ultrasound at five months. At three months, and again at four months, I had been thrilled to hear the heartbeat of my baby. My sister had teased me about having twins and even asked the midwife to check for a second heartbeat. The midwife had reassured us that there was only one baby, placing the stethoscope at several different spots to demonstrate that there was only one heartbeat. My plan seemed to be working out just fine. I could finish my research analysis and rough out my thesis before the baby came, relax with my newborn while my committee read through my work – and I’d be ready to make the final changes just as the baby was getting old enough to be eating a little solid food, thus freeing me a little to resume my academic work.

I settled myself on the ultrasound bed ready to see my little one. Seconds later, I was looking at two little heads! We were expecting twins! Immediately, lying on the ultrasound bed, I started frantically trying to revise my plans, to rescue my well laid-out program that would have seen me graduate with a 9 or 10-month-old baby.

Being pregnant with twins turned my plans upside down! I had to give up my academic work so that I could get the rest I needed. I had to shop for all of what a second baby would need, instead of just checking off on my list what I already had from our first child’s babyhood. I had to figure out how to shoehorn two babies into our small 3-bedroom condo that was already overflowing with the accoutrements that our son had brought along with him. Desperately, I tried to preserve my connection to the academic world by maintaining my office in the third bedroom, and having all three children share one room.

Coping with twin girls and a 2.5-year old son continues to be a series of daily lessons in living in the moment. I try not to plan more than one activity, such as a playdate or going to the library, in a day. In fact, a day when I have dinner ready when my husband gets home is a successful day.  Many days I also manage to get a load of laundry done, the floors vacuumed or the dishwasher emptied – all endless tasks with three small children.  But it is an ongoing struggle not to expect to accomplish more in a day than just keeping them clean and dry and fed and safe.

The reality of my derailed plan is particularly apparent this week. My mom is visiting and with her help, I am converting my office into the girls’ bedroom. Soon after our girls were born, I realized that my office space would need to become the girls’ space, and I’ve spent time moving books, office supplies, and craft materials out and packing files and papers in boxes. But really, I’ve resisted the whole process.

I like what my office, no matter how messy it might be, represents.  It is my space in the house. It represents all my years of work as a student and as a researcher, and all that I’ve accomplished. It isn’t about the mundane and repetitive tasks of diapering, feeding and burping babies, and reading and rereading the same picture books. It is about losing track of myself in ideas that interest and excite me.

I don’t want to give up what my office represents.  Being a stay-at-home-mom was never part of my plan. But, I’m a long way from ready to be back at work or study fulltime. I’m not ready to be away from my children. I don’t want to be away from them from breakfast until dinner every day. I don’t want to come home so exhausted that we don’t spend quality time together. I need to find a way to focus on the present and the riches they bring to my life, rather than on what I’m giving up because they are here. I love to watch my daughters sleeping, holding hands. They are so clearly completely comfortable and contented. Seeing them smile when I come to get them up after a nap is the most wonderful feeling. At these moments, it is so clear to me that at home with my children is where I belong.

The challenge this week, and in the weeks and months and years to come, will be to, as time permits, create a new approach – one that will truly balance my time, that considers our family’s financial situation, that allows me to be actively involved in raising our son and our two daughters, and allow me to enhance, enrich, build, develop my sense of self in the process.

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