Our family just arrived home from our second trip to the Twins Days Festival in Twinsburg, OH. Last summer we attended a wedding in Philadelphia with our 9-month-old twins. We packed the car for a road trip from Chicago but had to divide our drive into a few days. Looking for a half-way point we saw Twinsburg, OH on the map and thought, “Hey, we should stay there, it’s a town named Twinsburg.” A quick Google search revealed Twins Days Festival, a record-setting gathering of twins from around the world which just happened to be the weekend we were driving through Ohio. We had to go. How could we pass it up?

We enjoyed our first Twins Days experience so much, we decided before we even left Ohio we would try to go back every year. It is an experience unlike anything I have seen. The sense of community and camaraderie among twins from all over really is amazing. Among the many activities, our favorite has been the Double Take Parade, which encourages any and all twins to join in the themed parade. This year’s theme was Circus, a truly fitting theme for a gathering of twins. My boys were dressed as Human Cannonballs, with their wagon outfitted as a cannon. There are also lots of research studies for twin participation, and mingling with twins young and old. The youngest set there was 8 weeks, the oldest was 96 years old! There are lots of contests, carnival rides, food, and fun. Friday night is a Wiener Roast for twins and their families, Saturday night there are fireworks and Sunday morning is a pancake breakfast. For older twins there is a golf tournament, a 5K and lots more.

So much I have read and heard since we were expecting twins focuses on the challenges: the high-risk pregnancy, the bleary-eyed, soul-crushing sleep deprivation, the expense, every-rough-patch-times-two. Dress them alike. Don’t dress them alike. Separate them in school. Keep them together. Everything I read seems to threaten all the ways I am destined to mess my kids up. Plus, as much as strangers are fascinated with and willing to offer up comments about twins, they are almost always negative. “You’ve got your hands full!” or “Double Trouble!” or “Better you than me!”

It is easy to lose sight of how wonderful it can be raising twins. We have twice the giggles, twice the hugs. My boys are growing up spending every day with a best friend. I get to watch my two tiny infants as they grow into little boys. My boys are 21 months old, racing from milestone to milestone, growing noticeably each day. I wonder every single day how they can possibly be cuter than they were yesterday and how did I get so lucky to be here for the ride. The truth is that while my boys are fraternal and are very different, they were born a pair. Twins Days is such a unique celebration of twinship, I want my boys to grow up appreciating how truly special it is to be a twin. In Twinsburg for that one weekend a year, they can be among people who know what it’s like to go through life with a doppelganger, with a relationship unlike any other. They can be part of the community and celebrate being twins.

My boys are often subject to lots of attention when we are out and about, and sometimes I feel like they are a spectacle. (I imagine it is nothing compared to identical twins or even triplets or quads!) I want them to feel proud that there are two of them, and love that they came into this world as a set. Twins Days Weekend is always the first weekend in August in Twinsburg, OH. For more photos and information about our trip, you can check out our rundown of our weekend as well as photos form this year and last. You can read more about the adventures of our family at goteamwood.com

And now, here’s Sadia!

- – - – -

The other day my husband said, “You’ve been reading a lot of parenting books. Don’t you think you’re a good mom?”

“It’s not that,” I told him. “I think I’m a pretty good mother to Jessica and Melody. I read these books because I want to stay ten steps ahead of them. I want to be challenged by other people’s ideas. They’ll either help me recommit to the parenting philosophies and practices I already subscribe to, or they’ll make me rethink how I parent.”

Abigail Pogrebin’s One and the Same is a book that has challenged me as a mother of twins, causing me to change my parenting in some ways and dig in my heels in others. I hadn’t yet heard of the book when Abby asked me to review it several months ago, but I’m sure I would have bought and devoured it by now even if she hadn’t.

Abby is a journalist and an identical twin herself. She set out to write about twinship, and explores the myriad experiences of twinhood in depth. One and the Same balances intimate stories of individual sets of twins with patterns identified by researchers who study twins. Much of the writing is intensely personal, but it speaks to the mystery, joy and challenges of the universal twin experience.

I was particularly intrigued by the way that twinship can impact marriage. Abby describes it beautifully. She says that being Robin’s twin has given her, “a congenital clarity of what it is to be wholly close to another human being.” Some of the twins Abby interviewed drew parallels between the twin relationship and marriage. I hope that the compromise skills that my daughters are learning to survive life with one another serve them well should they choose to marry. On the flip-side, Abby points out that during her time at the Twinsburg convention, she notices a high number of twins, mostly male, who have never been married. Might women be put off by the intimacy and affection that twin brothers share?

I wept my way through the chapter on twin death. Abby interviewed a man who lost his twin in the Twin Towers on 9/11. She also found a number of people who thought they were singletons and developed an inexplicable fascination with twins, only to discover that they were the sole survivors of twin pregnancies. I look at my daughters and can’t imagine how one could navigate her life without the other.

The only part of the book that I didn’t like was, ironically enough, the one that dealt with parenting twins. Whereas Abby spent the rest of the book showing us how different and unique each experience of twinship is, this chapter spoke in generalities, many of which failed to resonate with my experience as a mother of twins. Like Abby, I take exception to the experts’ assertion that every mother of multiples has a favourite child. From time to time, each of my kids drives me nuts, and from time to time, one needs more of my attention. The love, though, is equally infinite. The takeaway of the chapter was that the challenges of raising twins, especially in the early years, outweigh the joys. I disagree. Yes, it’s often hard, but good parenting is hard, no matter how many kids you have.

The parenting lesson I took away from One and the Same is that twinship does not have to compromise individuality. Twins don’t have to choose between their twin identity and their personal identity. A singleton myself, I recently realized that I had assumed that emphasizing my daughters’ twinship would cripple them as they developed their individual identities and interests. Abbie shows us that does not have to be the case. Being a twin is part of what make my daughters, Jessica and Melody, unique. However, One and the Same doesn’t shy away from the reality that there are pairs of twins out there for whom their twinship defines them. For instance, it quotes Debbie Ganz, who, with her sister Lisa used to run a restaurant in which all the waiters were pairs of identical twins. “A guy once said to me, ‘I don’t want to know about your twin thing: what are you like?’ I froze and started to feel upset. Because I couldn’t answer him.”

One and the Same is the most astute book I’ve come across that discusses the twin experience. I would have enjoyed it equally, although differently, if I’d never met a twin in my life.

Q and A with Abigail Pogrebin

Abigail Pogrebin was kind enough to answer a few questions that occurred to me while I was reading One and the Same. This is what she had to say.

Sadia: You share intimate and sometimes heart-breaking details about how you feel about your changing relationship with Robin. Has she read your book? What was her reaction? What about your parents’?

Abby: I didn’t feel I could write this book without Robin’s blessing (and her editing – she’s a formidable journalist) and so I showed her a draft as soon as I finished it. I admit that it wasn’t an easy read for her at times, and she even challenged me in some places, which I think made me revisit certain sections and rethink them. But the truth is that Robin was incredibly supportive of the book, both privately and publicly. I was grateful that she agreed to go on the Today Show with me and that she worked so hard to prepare for a special event we did together last fall in New York in which she interviewed me about the book before an audience of 200-plus; she made it a wonderful evening. Most importantly, this book made us closer in ways I can’t quite explain. It’s like the truth finally was on the table and we could get on with this phase of our relationship.

As for my parents, they were also tremendous boosters, but feel somewhat baffled by why twinship can end up being complicated when it felt so simple to them during our childhoods.

Sadia: You’ve described twin romance beautifully, and have been able to convey how normal and natural that intense relationship is, even if much of society is unable to comprehend it and sometimes views it as pathological. My husband and I see that romance growing in our own daughters. Do you have any advice to parents like us on how to prepare our kids for resistance they may get from others regarding their twin relationship?

Abby: My only advice is to talk about it ahead of time, to discuss the fact that their twin romance can be intimidating, excluding, or off-putting to other people and sometimes they may want to keep their intimacy to themselves, if that makes sense.

Sadia: Many parents of young multiples are careful not to refer to their children as “the twins” or “the boys”, because they want to help the world see their children as individuals, and not just members of a set. If your children had been twins, would you object to them being referred to as “the twins”?

Abby: Yes, if I had twins, I would object to people calling them “the twins,” because I do think it has a cumulative negative effect over time; it  underlines their two-ness as opposed to their singularity. It may seem unimportant, especially when the twins are young, but I know I hated the term growing up. It felt lazy to me when someone called us that; is it really so taxing for them to say our names when they’re talking about us?

Sadia: If you could give parents three pieces of advice on nurturing both their twin’s closeness and their independence, what would they be?

Abby:

1. Spend separate time with your twins. Even if they resist doing things apart.
2. Encourage different activities, lessons, playdates, pursuits.
3. Let their insularity be. It has its own magic, and at the end of the day, the intimacy wins.

Sadia: We have a set of triplets in our extended family. I can’t help wondering how having more than one same-age sibling would affect relationships between multiples. Do you know any higher order multiples? How would you compare their relationships to those of the twins you interviewed?

Abby: I don’t know any triplets myself, but I did interview one in my book and her story is worth reading – it appears in the chapter on competition. It amazed me that a triplet can feel like the third wheel when the other two triplets are twins.

Sadia: You quote Joan Friedman’s distinction between being known and being noticed, as it pertains to twinship. Could you please explain this distinction to HDYDI’s readers? You acknowledge that her distinction resonated with your sister’s experience of being a twin. Do you ever feel less “known” because you were a twin

Abby: As twins, you’re often “noticed” because you stand out – especially if you’re identical. It’s an oddity, a novelty, people notice you, look at you longer, compare you. People are curious, they confer all sorts of ideas about what your bond and relationship must be like. But most of the time, they don’t really get to know you; even the people who see you regularly –relatives, friends, teachers. They don’t necessarily make the effort to get to know who you really separately (and yes, it may take more effort to ascertain those differences.) They seem content with the superficiality of your twinship. So they notice you, yes, but they don’t know you.

* Disclaimer – Although Ms Pogrebin did contact Sadia to ask her to review the book, Sadia purchased her own copy. This review was not influenced in any way by the author.

• The website Mothers of Super Twins (MOST) is conducting research to a survey to better understand multiples and marriage. Please take a few minutes to participate in their survey.  I’ll post an update when the survey results are available.
• Multiple Births Canada has released an information circular on the topic outlining studies on the topic.

I’m not planning to share the intimate details of my marriage with you, but here are few ways that having twins has impacted our relationship:

• We’ve spent a lot of time talking about our values and priorities. Our decisions about spending money are more considered now that we are living on one income. We are now planning to sell our house and move to a larger house in another part of the city as we seek the right balance between work, family, money, school, childcare and community.
• We have less time for ourselves and for us as a couple.  When our son was young we traded babysitting with other couples so we could have regular date nights.  Now that we have 3 children and many of our friends now have 2 children, the thought of caring for 5 children for an evening is overwhelming. As the girls get a little older and less reliant on breastfeeding, we might be able to arrange a night out more often.
• We have to be more explicit about what we need (i.e. help with the children, time for a project, a few minutes by ourselves, etc), and we need to rely on each other more for support.
• More of the physical space of our house and the space of our relationship are occupied by children. They demand our attention and our energy when we are with them and when we are away from them too.  We have to be more conscious about taking time away from being parents to being partners.
• Parts of our lives are more structured as we make plans while considering our children’s schedules, the time and hassle associated with getting everyone ready, the stress versus enjoyment of the activity, and the other demands on our time (doing laundry every 2 days, preparing meals, keeping the house clean, etc).

Now many parents with more than one child, whether they are multiples or not, probably feel these pressures.  I think what makes these challenges unique to parents of multiples is that they are unexpected (going from 1 child to 3 children meant unanticipated changes for everyone) and they are more intense (having to feed, change and soothe 2 babies is the middle of the night is different than caring for one baby and one toddler).

Please take a minute to complete the MOST survey: Divorce and the Multiple Birth Family.  And, share your comments about how being a parent of multiples has impacted your marriage and your suggestions for parents of multiples.

Bottom line – I was appalled.  (And that is not a word often found in my vocabulary!)  The show was obviously focused around the couple’s recent marital troubles, including suspicions of infidelity on Jon Gosselin’s part.  Now, regardless of what your opinion is of:

A)    the show itself

B)    Kate & her personality

C)    their decision to expose their children to a reality show

D)    Kate’s hairstyle or WHATEVER!

…they are human beings.  They are parents with the task & responsibility of raising EIGHT human beings.  As I do not find myself in that particular situation, I choose to reserve judgment.  The media (and many others) however, apparently feel quite justified not only in chasing these people down, but quite harshly & presumptuously judging their lives, their choices, and their audacity to “overwhelm” the employees of a jewelry store by bringing their “entourage” in so that the kids could make their own jewelry!  The nerve!  Next time, Kate, keep your “entourage” at home, behind closed doors.  Don’t you know that you have no right to lead a normal family life??

I know – maybe you’re rolling your eyes & talking aloud to your screens right now, reminding me that they signed up for this – the celebrity, the spotlight.  Trust me, I’m not saying that their choices align with mine either, but do they have to?

This is the thing.  It’s somewhat raw for me because it’s all just a little too close to home; especially this weekend.  No, not the mansion on fifty acres or whatever it is, not the book tours and box seats to Phillies games.  It’s the attention and the assumptions.  It’s the judgment and the lack of consideration when people choose to speak – to speak about a situation about which they have no clue. 

Now that the triplets are no longer diggin’ spending their days surrounded by toys in their corral, we try to get them out fairly regularly.  (Admittedly sometimes more for my sanity than theirs.) 

This weekend we were on the move more than usual.  The itinerary included a local carnival, our son’s seventh b’day party (seven is both his age and the number of parties I think he had this year…) and a Father’s Day outing to IHOP and the park. 

Now, I get it – triplets are not ‘common’, and triplets ‘plus one’ is, well – even more!  But seriously, I just don’t think we’re the side show everyone makes us out to be.  There was the usual:

“So do triplets run in the family?”  (aka – Did you do IVF?)

“Boy do you have your hands full!” (Yes, do you have any to spare?  Because one of my kids is getting away as I take the time to acknowledge the biggest understatement of the century.)

“Wow – you must be busy!” (Yes, yes I am. Appreciate the insight.)

But what irked me this weekend were the less frequent, more insidious ones like:

“We only have two; I’d kill myself if I were you.” 

“Wow – I feel really sorry for you.”

And “You come out (to the carnival, to IHOP, etc) with ALL of them?”

Believe it or not, that last one really got me. It’s not as often as we’d like and it takes much longer to get out the door than we’d hope, but yes, we do go out!  It takes more work, more patience, more prep time and more equipment, but what’s the alternative?  Our family may not be typical, but we are ‘normal’ in terms of needing to get out, experience new things and enjoy living life together.  So what is it about seeing a family with multiples that suddenly robs others of social graces & good judgment? 

Alright, so maybe I’m projecting a bit on J&K+8.  Maybe they don’t mind the attention and scrutiny quite as much as I do.  Maybe it’s just growing pains on my part as a MoM.  Maybe all of the attention and the comments just start to fade into the background with each passing outing?  Well, here’s to hoping!  (Us MoMs are good at that!)

* Great! One pregnancy, two babies!
* They’ll be best friends!
* Is secret twin language real? And why does no one ever talk about secret triplet language?
* You’re already breastfeeding one, just pop the other on.

Here’s what I didn’t know about the above:

* Yes it will be one pregnancy but it will be a high-risk pregnancy: higher miscarriage rates, higher mortality rates, higher maternal mortality rates, 50% prematurity rate for twins, higher incidence of post-partum depression, higher incidence of divorce… on and on.
* The fighting starts early!
* You will wish you had a dollar for every time someone asked you about twin language.
* Breastfeeding rates for multiples are very low.

What are you going to do to celebrate National Multiple Birth Awareness Month?

http://www.npr.org/templates/rundowns/rundown.php?prgId=13&prgDate=2-23-2009

I’ve said it before but, I get a little annoyed when I read about celebrities having twins. It seems like there are new famous twins expected every day. Just this week alone we’ve heard that Rebecca Romjin and Lisa Marie Presley are going to be doubly blessed.

Don’t these people have enough? Fame, fortune, incredible good looks. Now they’re gaining entrance into this special group that makes me feel special in my otherwise ordinary world – they are going to become parents of multiples. And, really, I feel like they are not putting in the dues that the rest of us are with their army of nannies, personal trainers, housekeepers, chefs, drivers, etc., etc.

But when I first heard the news about the famous Brangelina twins, I was especially annoyed. Seriously, I have to share my special club with these two? Isn’t it enough for them to be the World’s Best Looking Family? I did my best to boycott all news of the pregnancy and eventual birth. Although, when you’re talking about the world’s most famous couple, it’s hard to avoid all the news unless you live under a rock.

Finally, curiousity got the best of me and I clicked onto People.com to view the world’s first photo of the twins. Then, I caught a glimpse of Hello!’s first photo and I was instantly shamed for all of my earlier feelings. This is a beautiful family. A family with seemingly hands-on parents. A family who has chosen to adopt beautiful children AND who has been blessed with a gift of amazing fertility. A family who has taken the world’s fascination with them and turned it into a charitable opportunity. A family who looks…exhausted!

Yes – thank you! After seeing the spread of J. Lo and Marc Anthony with their frill and pink outfits skipping down their driveway, I was moved to see Brad and Angelina looking like perhaps they were not well-rested. Are those bags under your eyes? Welcome to the club!

I’ve read recently that while Brad is planning a red carpet appearance in Venice, Angelina is not slated to appear. She is opting (I assume) to stay home and recover and tend to her growing brood. Finally, I feel like I can relate to her. Well, red carpet events aside that is.

So, I take back what I’ve said and thought about Brangelina. I now feel a connection with them I didn’t think possible. I wish them and their ever-growing family all the best. Parenting twins is a special gift – I’m happy they are part of our club.

http://www.boston.com/news/local/massachusetts/articles/2008/07/26/together_until_they_are_ready/